I want to start by saying something before anything else:
However you feed your baby is okay.
Breastfeeding.
Formula.
Pumping.
Supplementing.
Combo feeding.
Whatever it takes to feed your baby and take care of yourself too.
All of it counts.
All of it is enough.
I’m sharing my story not to tell you what to do, but because I spent years carrying guilt over something I wish someone had just sat down and talked to me about honestly.
And if this helps even one mom feel less alone in whatever she is walking through with feeding, then it is worth sharing.
The Decision I Made at 18
When I was 18 years old, I had a breast reduction.
I wasn’t thinking about babies then.
I wasn’t thinking about breastfeeding.
I was just a young girl making a decision about her own body, trying to feel more comfortable in it.
But I remember my doctor.
I remember the way he talked to me before that surgery.
He wasn’t casual about it.
He was really trying to warn me.
Trying to persuade me not to do it, or at least to understand what it might mean later.
He told me it could affect my ability to breastfeed.
And I heard him.
I just pushed on anyway.
Because at 18, motherhood felt far away.
And I wanted to feel better in my body right then.
I don’t regret that decision.
But I also don’t think I fully understood the weight of what he was telling me until years later, when I was sitting there with my first baby, exhausted and crying, wondering why it wasn’t working.
My First Baby — Two Weeks That Got Worse Every Day
With my first baby, I had every intention of breastfeeding.
I wanted to do it.
I thought I would figure it out the way I figured most things out — just by showing up and trying.
But from the very beginning, it was hard.
And not just the normal kind of hard that people warn you about.
Every day that passed, something felt more wrong.
Less milk.
More struggle.
More pain.
More exhaustion.
More of that sinking feeling that something just wasn’t working the way it was supposed to.
For two weeks, I kept trying.
Two weeks of waking up and hoping that day would be different.
Two weeks of it getting worse instead of better.
And then I stopped.
Not in one dramatic moment.
Just quietly.
The way you give up on something when you’re already exhausted and you just don’t have anything left to keep fighting with.
I shared more about that first birth and the emotional beginning of motherhood in My First Birth Story — What I Wish I Knew Before Labor.
The Guilt That Followed
I didn’t tell many people how I really felt about it.
I held most of it in.
But it was known — the depression, the guilt — even if I didn’t say it out loud.
I blamed myself.
Not once did I think back to that doctor’s appointment when I was 18.
Not once did I connect what he had tried to tell me to what was happening with my body now.
I just thought I had done something wrong.
That I hadn’t tried hard enough.
That I had somehow failed my baby before he was even a few weeks old.
That guilt sat heavy.
And it mixed with everything else I was already feeling postpartum — the exhaustion, the depression, the fear that I didn’t know what I was doing.
It all piled together.
And I carried it quietly for a long time.
I’ve talked more about the emotional side of that season in Postpartum Isn’t What I Expected.
My Second Baby — I Didn’t Even Try
With my second baby, I didn’t try at all.
I made that decision before she was born.
And I’ve never fully talked about it.
Maybe because I felt like I had to justify it.
Maybe because I already knew the guilt that came with it.
But the truth is simple:
I had already been through the pain of trying and feeling like I failed with my first.
I didn’t feel like I could do it again.
So I didn’t.
And I’m not sure I ever fully gave myself permission to say that was okay.
But it was.
She was fed.
She was loved.
She was cared for.
And that is what mattered.
My Third Baby — Deciding to Try Again
By the time I was pregnant with my third, so much had changed.
My life looked different.
My support looked different.
And the way people around me talked about birth and breastfeeding felt different too.
This time, I felt more encouraged to learn, research, and be open to trying again.
But what made the biggest difference was this:
I didn’t feel like I had to force it.
The support around me felt different.
It wasn’t, “You have to breastfeed.”
It wasn’t, “You better make this work.”
It was more like:
If it works, that is wonderful.
If it doesn’t, that is okay too.
It’s your body.
It’s your baby.
It’s your choice.
And I don’t think I realized how much pressure I had been carrying until some of it was lifted.
With my first, I felt like stopping meant I had failed.
With my third, I felt like trying meant I had options.
That small shift made everything feel different.
The Milk Protein Allergy Nobody Saw Coming
I was determined going into it.
I had done more research.
I had more support.
I had given myself permission to stop if I needed to without drowning in guilt.
And then my third baby was diagnosed with a severe milk protein allergy.
Which meant everything I was eating that contained dairy was passing through my milk and making him sick.
That was a whole new challenge I hadn’t prepared for.
I had to completely change the way I was eating.
I had to read every label.
I had to figure out what my body could handle while also making sure what I was giving him was safe.
Some days that felt manageable.
Some days it felt like one more thing on top of everything else I was already carrying.
Six Months
But I kept going.
Breastfeeding and supplementing with formula.
Some days it felt like I was barely keeping up.
Some days the cluster feeding felt endless.
Some days I cried from exhaustion and pain and the weight of trying so hard.
And some days I felt proud in a way that was hard to explain.
Because I knew what it had taken to get there.
I knew the guilt I had carried with my first.
I knew the decision I had made with my second.
I knew what it felt like to try again when a part of me was still scared.
Six months.
It was hard every step of the way.
And I’m proud of it.
What Made the Difference
Looking back, the biggest difference between my first breastfeeding experience and my third wasn’t just time or knowledge.
It was support.
With my first, I held the guilt in.
I struggled quietly.
I figured things out alone.
With my third, I had someone beside me who said:
Try.
But it is okay either way.
This is your choice.
That changed how I carried the whole thing.
Not just breastfeeding.
All of it.
Having support that doesn’t push you toward one outcome, but simply stands beside you while you figure out what is right for you, is something every mom deserves.
I shared more about the kind of support and small things that helped me through postpartum in What Helped Me Through Postpartum.
What I Want You to Know
If you are in the middle of breastfeeding struggles right now, I want you to know a few things.
If your body is not cooperating — whether from a past surgery, low supply, pain, or something nobody has explained to you yet — that is not a personal failure.
Your body is not broken.
You are not broken.
Sometimes there are things working against us that we didn’t even know to look for.
If you tried and stopped, you are not a bad mom.
If you never tried at all, you are not a bad mom.
If you are still trying and barely holding on, you are not doing it wrong.
You are doing it hard.
And if someone in your life is putting pressure on you — whether to keep going or to stop — I want to gently remind you:
This is your body.
This is your baby.
This is your choice.
You get to decide what feeding looks like for your family.
And whatever you decide, your baby needs you — not a perfect feeding journey.
To the Mom Who Is Carrying Guilt Right Now
I see you.
I know what it feels like to sit with that guilt quietly.
To wonder if you did something wrong.
To wonder if your baby deserved more.
To replay decisions and wish things had gone differently.
But I also know now what I couldn’t see then:
You were doing the best you could with what you had.
And so was I.
That first baby I worried about so much?
He is loved, healthy, and whole.
Not because of how I fed him.
Because of how I showed up for him, every single day, in every way I could.
That is what he needed most.
And it is what your baby needs most too.
You are not alone in this.
✨ Thank you for letting me share this part of my story.
If you’ve ever felt alone in your feeding journey, I hope this part of my story helps you feel seen.
You Might Also Enjoy
→ Postpartum Isn’t What I Expected
→ My First Birth Story — What I Wish I Knew Before Labor
→ My Natural Water Birth Story After 2 Very Different Births
→ What Helped Me Through Postpartum
This post is based on my personal experience and is not medical advice. Every breastfeeding journey is different. If you are struggling with feeding, milk supply, allergies, or your baby’s health, please reach out to a lactation consultant or your healthcare provider.
With love,
Rachel (RaiRai 💛)
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